The Oakie News May 2014

                              THE OAKIE NEWS

    Number 2                                                             May 2014


At our last meeting we discussed, bllaaaaaarrrrrr, and blaaaaaaarrrr, and it lasted all of 7 minutes, then it jumped straight into any other business, and the first edition of the “New Oakie News” was given out. We hope it was well received and raised a smile or two


During this meeting the attendee`s made sure that this month’s edition of the Oakie News would start with some great ammunition to batter some of our members with.


On the Sunday before the meeting Brains, Bulb, Sandbasher & Sam Dingle had a knock around Bolton Old Links. Bulb announced his shot of the season (so far) hitting a bridge wall that was no more than 1 ft by 3 ft, and 75 yards forward of the tee,


                                this sent his ball soaring 150 yards back over his head..


Brains had a 14 on the 18th at Old Links when after 2 shots he was only 100 yards from the green! He went into a bush. took a drop.. went into the same bush.. took a drop.. went into the same bush.. took a drop.. went into the same bush.. oh you get the idea, he messed up a great card on the last hole..

Image002 1

Mr Anorexic told us that Pizza is an healthy food cos it can sometimes have a sprinkling of sweet corn on it, and if you eat 5   it would add up to you having 1 of your 5 a day, and I've heard about putting things in a safe place but chuffin hell, when he also announced that he only found the horseshoe when his wife went for a prenatal scan!.. It brought a tear to the eye.


Hans Christian Connett wanted to know why his name had changed from “spit the dog”, then went into a 5 minute tale about 2 lads who were in a five a side team, that had come over and had a word with us in Southport.. (a tale for every occasion)

 BetTrev`s phone rang, it was Roy Hodgson..

Hodgson.. “Twev, I dont know weaver to go fow the diamond fowmation, wiv wingbacks pushing forward, havin an holdin midfielder to stop the counter, and set a 3, behind the fwont man to maintain the pwessure... what do you think we should do  ?”

BetTrev.. “ Well.... Ermmm....  KICK IT “

We all gathered at Walmersley Golf Course for the first match of the new summer league, we had bacon barms and a brew, Camel Cheeks had a full breakfast, Bulb had 2 barms with an egg on each  as well. Mr Anorexic managed just to have a bacon barm, (he had already had a Chinese warmed up from the night before) and Warbies Thick Sliced veggie burger was a weetabix on toast. The weather was dry, the course looked in great nick.  We could all tell it was the start of the summer season, coz Penfold had shed one layer of thermal underwear, and we were all set for a great game of golf. Guru didn't look all tanned after his short break in Fuerteventura, (I think he must have spent it in the shadow of his wife’s thumb) it was good to see Mr Anorexic back into the golfing fold, (Even though he forgot the name discs) and also a warm welcome back to Lee Majors, who was ready for action, welllll...  as ready for action has you can be with 3 new knees, 2 new hips, etc. Sandbasher got us all under way with a tee shot that was only 2 clubs short from being a good un (who would have thought it Sandbasher & short in the same sentence!) and the summer season had started in earnest.


The first tee had Sandbasher, Penfold, and Stroller, Things were going fine for the Owd Sandbasher, until he took a 7 on a par 3,  Stroller had his usual steady game, a couple of 8’s & 7’s with a 2 thrown in on the 8th, Penfold said he had played really well, apart from putting 2 O/B on the second on his way to a TEN, oh & the 2 he put in the water. & the one in the tree... & the one he lost on the fairway. etc,

The second tee saw BetTrev, Bulb, and Boycie, Bulb grossed 3 figures, not one part of his game was good, apart from his chips, (and they got passed around in the club house when he went to the toilet) Boycie decided to give one of his putting master classes, he showed us 42 times actually, he was tremendous from tee to green and then his game went to pieces chucking in FIVE 3 putts along with TWO 4 putts. BetTrev always drives it a mile, and played quite well, even with the daggers still in his back from the Guru’s looks after the 2 pot fiasco.


The third tee saw Mr Anorexic, Camel Cheeks, Lee Majors and Guru. As Guru approached the tee, you could see the trepidation after the horror of the 109 gross on his last visit to the course, it was imprinted all over his face and in the skid marks on his pants.

 Lee Majors and Mr Anorexic shared a buggy, Lee Majors went out of bounds on the 17th

Mr Anorexic, “That’s O/B Lee, play another” .. Woosh..  “That’s O/B again Lee, play another”.. Woosh.. That’s O/B again Lee, play another.

Lee Majors “Who put an O/B there anyway? It’s no use to anyone”

Guru, “What’s no use is you hitting it in the same place 3 time’s!”


 In their match play game Mr Anorexic was 2 up with 4 to play, So Camel Cheeks brought out his ace card and announced City were losing 2 – 0 to Liverpool, this threw Mr Anorexic and Camel Cheeks won the match 2 up.


In the 4th & final group we had, Hans Christian Connett, Thick Sliced, Brains and Mr Etiquette.  Hans Christian couldn`t get to his ball on one hole, so he did a one handed trick shot, before tapping in for a par,. Thick Sliced did his pre shot routine were he threatens to hit the ball 4 or 5 times before he actually hits the ball, and everyone wonder’s which swing is gonna make contact.  

Brains came in with another great score, which leaves Defending Division 1 champion Mr Etiquette who was his normal jovial self with a smile from ear to ear,  

Well done to the Guru, for putting his demons to bed and scoring a tremendous 68 nett to take the overall honours, Brains put the horror of  his 14 on the last at Bolton Old Links behind him to post a 1 under par 70 to claim the Runner up spot

Image004 1

                        Bulb counts his fingers just to make sure he's not from Breightmet and Guru gets his cock out on the table..



                                        Hard lines to Lee Majors just saving Bulb from the wig and horse shoe by just the one shot.

Thought of the day.. Bulb, “I think I need a break from golf” after a 7 on the first par 3 and finishing with a gross of 100.

Reet then, who made a solid start to the league campaign, who is in for a long battle to avoid going down with Sam Dingle?


In Division 1 The Golfing Guru got off to flyer with a superb 3 under par 68 & 6pts in the bag, a fine 1 under par 70 & 5pts for newly promoted Brains, BetTrev made a solid start with a 1 over 72 for 4pts, Sandbasher’s 7 on the par 3 14th ruined his card a 77 but not his points tally 3pts for the Captain, our reigning division 1 champion Mr Etiquette began his defence with 80 & 2pts snatching 5th place & the final bonus points on a card count back, beating Penfold who also had 80 plenty to look back on for the wee man but just the 1pt, the other 1 point wonders were Camel Cheeks with 82, Stroller 85 & a woeful 88 from Bulb.


 In the Division 2 mini league Hans Christian Connett took the maximum 6pts with a 4 over 75, A 80 got 5 pts for our Anorexic hermit on his long awaited return, 4pts on a card count back for Warbies Thick Sliced with a 81, 3pts for Boycie also with 81 as he settles comfortably to life in Division 2, finally 2pts for Lee Majors 89 on his return from his 3rd successful new knee replacement.


Who had The Most Shots on a Hole?


Limp forward




14 on the 347yd Par 4 17th.


Unfortunately this has also got Lee Majors in to the dreaded Round from Hell nudging out Mark Keegan’s 14 on the 424yd par 4 17th at Garstang due to the shorter yardage


Match Play Results


In Group A, Hans Christian Connet toasted Warbies Thick Sliced 5 & 3


In the Group of Death, Camel Cheeks beat Mr Anorexic 2up whilst in the battle of the giants Sandbasher beat Penfold 3 & 1


In Group C, Guru beat Lee Majors & BetTrev beat Bulb both winning 5 & 4


In Group D, Brains beat Mr Etiquette 5 & 3


League tables & the Match play groups  & The Round from Hell are on the website



Handicap changes after Walmersley


Guru 3 under Par loses 0.7 now playing off 12


Brains 1 under Par loses 0.3 now playing off 12


Penfold gains 0.1 now playing off 17


Camel Cheeks gains 0.1 now playing off 12


Bulb gains 0.1 now playing off 13

Mr Etiquette gains 0.1 now playing off 20

Warbies Thick Slice gains 0.1 now playing off 15


Onto Knott End, and the first major major, (Have developed a stutter?) The Elmer Fudd Challenge Trophy Sponsored by Sam Dingle.


During the week Guru had been passing Knott End, as you do, it being in the middle of nowhere ‘n all, called into the club to pick the cards up, (save a bit of time on the day, by spending a hour beforehand writing them all out,) whilst there he scoped the place out, saw loads of towels in the locker room, decision made, no need to take a towel.


Sam Dingle had a bit of a tiff with his wife the night before, Sam had stomped upstairs to his ironing room overlooking the conservatory, whilst he was muttering to himself as he did the ironing he shouted to Jill “What’s the weather like for tomorrow?” Jill replied “You’re in for a good day it’s going to be lovely all day”


Everyone was in a great mood for the first major of the season, and we were all on our best behaviour, well nearly, it is the Oakies. Would the sun continue to shine, would Guru have remembered to bring the score cards, would we get Mr Anorexic away from his panini sticker album to try out his new Winny putter grip, who would be taking home the wooden spoon.


 Martin panini



Sandbasher refused to get into Sam Dingles van due to the new seat covers.

Image006 1

Within 10 seconds of seeing them, they were ripped off and thrown into the bin


Mr Anorexic brought out the new name discs with nicknames rather than proper names, but didn't ask anyone for “swapsys” for his sticker book, the bacon barms and full breakfast were going down a treat, we were just about to do the draw in the club house when. WTF.. Who’s that driving across the fairway?  

Image008 1


Anyway as I was saying the draw was due to be done, Sandbasher, BetTrev, & Sam Dingle where all in the first tee.

The second tee saw Brains, Guru, & Thick sliced.

The third was Boycie, Penfold & Stroller.

The last tee was made up of Lee Majors, Mr Anorexic, Camel Cheeks & Bulb...  WTF? It’s coming back... BetTrev’s car once again could be seen crossing the fairway.         


We all headed for our clubs, Guru headed for the pro shop to get the score cards for the day (yip he’d forgot them), the weather was really kind no wind, warm and dry. We took a quick practice on the putting area before Captain Sandbasher got us under way, and the first major of the year was live.


Heading back to the club house after the first 9 holes everyone must have thought they had a score that would see them avoid the first tee in the afternoon session, and give them a good start for the afternoon. But everyone else had scored well too, and the lowest score for the morning session was 15! During lunch talk turned to St Annes and the last Captains weekend, Mr Anorexic said he laughed that much all his ABS were hurting, (That’s a bit like Brains and Dingle complaining they've lost their comb)   Bulb told us how he half balled his tee shot, that ran, and ran and ended up winning the N/P



Back out for the afternoon session, and the clouds came rolling in, on the practice green Guru jumped straight into action jogging over to Sam Dingle and commenced giving him a putting lesson, (The blind leading the blind) The afternoon session started with everyone trying to avoid the wooden spoon and make a push for the trophy it really was that close. Then the rain started and the waterproofs came out, all apart from Dingle’s, who didn't bring his. As the rain got heavier Sandbasher said, “I've got a hat here if you want it Sam?” It was a bright red little sun hat and looked like a red smartie on a plate, “That's miles better, I feel like I'm in the Algarve” Sam said. Penfold was tucked under his brolley, looking like a mushroom on the fairway. Jill was sat at home laughing her tits off.

Image010 1

Was that thunder we could all here? No, it was Mr Anorexic shaking the locked toilet door bursting for a crap at the 11th.  When he had finished, the warning went out avoid the toilets for while.


Sandbasher asked “Who has got the nearest the pin on the 12th?”

 Penfold replied “Mr Andrex”



On the 15th, Sandbasher shouted, “Ring the bell Sam”, Sam pushed the bell, nothing happened, he stuck his head up inside the bell, “There's no hammer in here.”  he shouted.

Sandbasher, “Well bang it on'th thingy” (meaning the stand)

Sam, “Thingy... (waving to Penfold) come here”


Bulb and Camel Chops shared a buggy, which allowed them to check forward before they took their shots so they could avoid any hazards and give them a better line in. They must have clocked some miles up and down the fairways.

As people made their way back to the club house, with a reasonable score, they must have thought they had scored enough points to avoid the wooden spoon, but the high scoring continued to come in. Stroller was desperate to find someone who had scored less than him and went straight in for the safest option, “how's Sam Dingle done?”


In the changing rooms there were no towels left for the showers,(another bad move Guru)  Mr Anorexic modelled his new line in leg warmers, (he had brought a sock that he had cut the toes off after his op)


On his way home Sam Dingle decided not to follow BetTrev possibly due to BetTrev’s navigational skills (see page 11)

Sandbasher “we didn’t come this way Sam”

Sam Dingle “I know dwarf, but we’ll be right once we get to somewhere I know the way home from” (No shit, Sherlock)

We eventually came to the Clifton Arms near Marton Mere, BLACKPOOL!! Where Sam exclaimed “I know where we are now, I can get home from here”



Who won what, who came where & who left with the wooden spoon?


                      Camel Cheeks took home the spoils a superb 23pts in the morning & a steady 35pts in the afternoon


Image012 1

                                     Runner Up Boycie (21pts & 35pts) 56pts pushed him all the way till he blobbed the last 2 holes



                                                52pts & 3rd place for the Golfing Guru (17 & 35) beating 

Image014 1

                                                       4th placed Bulb 52pts (19 & 33) by virtue of a better 18 hole score in the afternoon,

                                        No complaints from Bulb though as he won the nearest the pin in the morning along with a tap in 2, he also won the morning sweep. Kerching!!

8th place for Sandbasher 49pts (17 & 32), in 9th on a better 18 was Mr Anorexic 48pts (15 &33) In 10th also on 48pts was Lee Majors (16 & 32), 11th place in his 1st major for Thick Sliced who was also on 48pts (17 & 31), Sam Dingle came 12th with 47pts (16 & 31)  


                                                        which leaves us with a Wooden Spoon winning 43pts for Stroller (18 & 25)

Handicap changes after Knott End

Chris Hartle 5 under par loses 1.0 now playing off 11

Terry Doyle 3 under par loses 0.6 still playing off 11

John Light 1 under par loses 0.3 now playing off 12

Jason Lee 1 under par loses 0.2 still playing off 12

Cliff Graham gains 0.1 now playing off 23

Trevor Orrell gains 0.1 now playing off 11

Sunday and onto Davenport Golf Club for the summer league 2nd round. The clubs, bags, etc were still wet from Fridays soaking but the spirits were high, and some of the handicaps were low. Camel Cheeks had been put back to 10.5 (he lasted all of 8 hrs on 12) but surely it wouldn't make that much of a difference would it?.  There seemed to be a little something missing in the club house, I just couldn't put my finger on what it was. Arkwright made one of his rare appearances. The draw was done, all 12 of us made our way to the putting green/chipping area, and got ready for the 6 matches that were due to be played. On the first tee BetTrev made his usual speech, the first 4 ball got ready, but there still seemed to be a little something missing.

The first four ball saw Mr Anorexic share a buggy with Lee Majors. Bulb and Brains

The second was BetTrev in a match with Guru, possibly the match of the day, with two good golfers who hit it a mile. Stroller and Sam Dingle made up the other match in that 4 ball.

They were followed closely by Boycie, Camel Cheeks, Arkwright & Penfold, Arkwright was doing quite well until he had a 15! on the 18th

 Even though the weather was good, the scores were not, high score after high score was being passed from tee to green. A good few shouts of “FORE” went ringing around Davenport, and people were taking all of their 5 min’s looking for balls in the ruff trying to keep their scores down. Guru had a chance of the “money hole” but 3 putted it instead, Camel chops said he got the 2's pot (in 8). so it’s another roll over.

Back in the club house there still seemed to be a little thing missing, but as the score cards came in Bulb was checking the scores, and with every card his smile grew wider, he was in with a chance with only the last group to come in. Would Camel Cheeks or Boycie spoil Bulb’s day ? (nope, but Chelsea F.C. did) Guru had already had quite a bad day and we didn't want anything to go any worse for him, so Dingle went outside and stopped him breaking into somebody elses van before he got taken away at speed with blue flashing lights and locked up. (although we did watch him for 5 mins first)  And the little thing that was missing ?

Image016 1

                                                                               Sandbashers in his new outfit



                          Well done to Bulb knocking a huge 16 shots off his previous summer league effort to win the day overall


Image018 1

                                           Not the welcome back Arkwright would have wanted, 15 on the last led to this

It’s early doors but has anybody made a move at the top of division 1, has Sam Dingle done enough to get out of the relegation box, in the division 2 mini league did anyone take advantage of the missing Hans Christian Connett (away on his own birthday bash, tut tut, hans)


Bulb took the maximum 6pts with a 3 over par 72 & up into joint 2nd in the league, 5pts for Penfold with a 73 puts him mid table in 5th, A 74 for BetTrev got him 4pts & moved him to the top of the pile on 8pts, Sam Dingle 78 got himself 3 valuable points to jump out of the relegation box & up to the giddy heights of 6th just edging out Brains 78 on a card count back, the 2 pts drops Brains  down to 4th in the league,  now for the 1 pointers, Camel Cheeks plunges into relegation trouble after shooting 85, the Golfing Guru shot a horrid 86 to drop to joint 2nd, Stroller’s 88 sees him hit rock bottom.

In the mini league Boycie claimed the 6pts with a 78 to move into top spot, 5pts for Lee Majors with a 81 moves him up to 3rd, 4pts for Mr Anorexic 101 gross 91 nett unbelievably puts him in 2nd place, Arkwright 91 claimed the final 3pts available along with the wig & horseshoe


Who had the Most Shots on a Hole


  Jog Forward




  Who had 15 on the 470yd Par 5 18th      Very costly indeed






Match Play Results


In Group A, Sam Dingle & Stroller finished All Square


In The Group of Death, Penfold slapped Camel Cheeks 6 & 5


In Group C, BetTrev beat The Golfing Guru 5 & 3, Bulb beat Lee Majors 7 & 5


In Group D, Boycie beat Arkwright 4 & 2


League tables & match play groups are on the website


Handicap changes after Davenport


 Les Molyneux gained 0.1 now playing off 18



Coming in the next issue



         All the news from the May meeting..


         Plus, tales from Breightmet, and Eccleston Park..


         Plus the Major at Tytherington, “The C McClean Trophy”

         sponsored by Lee Majors and Hans Christian Connett. Thanks to you both..





Will we ever get Sandbasher out of his nurses uniform and back on the golf course?


Will Mr Anorexic ever fill his footie album?


 Will Guru ever stop slapping his cock out on the table?


 Will Woy take BetTwev to the World Cup?


 Will we ever find out who writes all this bollox?



Last edited: 05/07/2021