The Oakie News July 2014
THE OAKIE NEWS
NUMBER 4 JULY 2014
Hi again Gents and welcome to our next issue, This issue is packed with more facts, tips, in-depth analysis and down right bollox than ever before..This month’s bollox started even before the last meeting..
Mystery Writer “Listen mate, I’ll take some of the weight off your shoulders, we’ll print the newsletter between us”
Sandbasher “Nice 1 mate, I’d really appreciate that”
It’s tea time on the day of the last meeting,
Sandbasher “Owdo mystery writer, how many copies have you printed mate?”
Mystery Writer “None mate, so you’ll have to print it yourself”
Turn to any page of “Swearing Made Easy” to get the gist of Sandbasher’s reply.
Sandbasher printed off 7 copies, part way through the printing the black ink ran out.
Sandbasher “Where have you put the ink?”
Mrs Sandbasher “There is none”
Flip open to any page of “Swearing Made Easy”
This time Sandbasher managed to catch the bus down to the Gardeners for the June meeting, he got to the bar and asked for a Guinness, “there is none” came the reply, “ok, a bitter then” “nope, there is none..... you can have lager”
“ok pint of carling then”.... “Nope, there is none... we’ve only got foster’s”
Turn to any page of “Swearing Made Easy”
In another gripping meeting, the 6 present got through the agenda in no time at all, Sandbasher burped, farted & swore his way through 3 lagers, the June newsletter was handed out once again promptly stuck in people’s pockets to be read later, talking of the newsletter we received an email from ex member & 1 half of Mark e Mark productions (who wrote the original newsletter yonks ago) Mark Hilton. It read..
Hope you and the rest of the 'Oakie boyz' are keeping well.
It is great to see the old newsletters, brings back a load of good memories. Reading them again we really did have a great bunch of lads. The cartoons make me laugh as though someone else had done them! Mark has a brilliant way with words, really funny.
Your Mystery Writer seems to have picked up the gauntlet good style, well done with the new version.
I will let you know about the TR Memorial nearer the date if that's o.k. I haven't hit a ball since the last time we played at Hart Common. Give my regards to Brian, Les and the rest of the lads.
See you soon.
Mark & Delia.
This month’s edition starts with our trip down to Boysnope, for round 5 of the summer league, which usually means breakfast at Macro for some of our crew before the morning meeting and draws are done. But with only 10, yes 10 members being present, ( it should have been 11 but we’ll get to that in a bit) the breakfast meeting was abandoned. Thankfully 3 members of the rope joined us to boost the numbers, namely King Chunner (Mark Gregory), Jimmy Pedro Shaw & Ian Goodram.
Guru had learned his lesson from Eccleston Park (Now there’s a 1st) arriving in plenty of time to grab something to eat, ending up with more time than he thought having been drawn in the last group. It’s time to name & shame, stand up Mr Anorexic and hang your head in shame, going out on the lash the night before golf, the tees were worked out, but due to Mr Anorexic not being here in time he was moved back to the last tee, (we thought a few minutes might have been enough, but he really needed a few days) He had texted Bulbs Taxis, (who may not have turned up anyway) and told him that he was not coming, but the message was not passed on... Texting your lift for Sunday to say you’re not going aint good enough, bog seat nomination for not informing our secretary.
All our other absentees had informed our secretary in plenty of time, Camel Cheeks was at a Christening, Del Boy & Arkwright had been told by their other halves that they couldn’t play out, Hans Christian Connett has a sore thumb, (awww) Sam Dingle was with the horsey set whilst Warbies Thick Sliced was on some 10 day coast to coast trek in preparation for his next game with Sam (zig zag) Dingle.
The 1st tee consisted of Captain Sandbasher, Brains & Boycie. Boycie had to beat Brains by 4 & 3 or more to go through to the quarter finals, unfortunately for him Brains was always in front with Brains winning 2 & 1 to put himself & Mr Etiquette through, Sandbasher was going pretty well till half balling a bunker shot on the 9th, walking away with an 8 & another chapter filled in “Swearing Made Easy... Vol 2”
The 2nd tee had Vice Captain Bulb, Mr Etiquette & Jimmy Pedro Shaw. Bulb spoiled his card with 2 double bogeys on the back nine but did only have 30 putts & more importantly wasn’t heard saying he needed a break from golf.. Mr Etiquette proved the old adage, “horses for courses” is true, grinning his way to 2nd place overall, Pedro Shaw’s 2 over 74 included 2 NINES!! (We’re gonna have to watch that mon.).
The 3rd tee had BetTrev, Lee Majors & Penfold. This group should have had Mr Anorexic in it, but he couldn’t be arsed getting out of bed after being on the lash. By not turning up he forfeited his game against Penfold which ruined any chance his mate Camel Cheeks had of going through to the quarters, (ooh he was vexed when he heard) this saw Penfold qualify instead. BetTrev was left to rue an 8 on the 12th spoiling a good card, Penfold was grateful for Mr Anorexic’s no show and having a zero putt 2, on the 10th being the icing on the cake. Lee Majors only had 30 putts & was all set for a very good a score until 3 triple bogeys on the back 9 ruined his card.
The 4th & final tee had Guru, Stroller, King Chunner & Ian Goodram. Mark chunnered his way to a 77 while Ian Goodram didn’t have a good day at all
Guru was all set for breaking John Price’s “Oakie Boysnope course record”, 76 gross after a superb front 9 of 37 unfortunately a triple on 11 & 2 bogeys on the last 3 goosed it for him.
A nett 71 was enough to win the day for the Golfing Guru.
Runner Up Mr Etiquette
At the other end of the scale we had Stroller who we feel is getting rather fond of the wig, 101 gross included 55 on the back 9!!
Who had The Most Shots on a Hole
Not once but twice
Jimmy Pedro Shaw
9 on the 381yd Par 4 2nd & 9 on the 513yd Par 5 15th
Handicap Changes after Boysnope
Golfing Guru 1under Par loses 0.2 still off 12
We’ve reached the half way stage of the league season, has anybody made a move at the top, would Camel Cheeks be left marooned in deep doodah, would Sam Dingle be dragged into the bottom 2, would it really matter as only 2 in the mini league could be arsed turning up?
6pts for Guru his 71 taking him up to 2nd in the league, a 73 and a much needed 5pts for Mr Etiquette & up to mid table, 4pts after a 75 up to top spot for BetTrev, 76 & 3pts for Bulb leaves him in 5th place but only 4pts off the top, 77 & 2pts for Sandbasher drops him down to 3rd
Now for the 1 pointers, Brains drops to 4th after a 78, Penfold stays in relegation trouble only 2 pts above the bottom 2 after a 82, our wig fetishist brought up the rear with a 83 Stroller is now level on points on 7 with Sam Dingle, Camel Cheeks is 1pt behind at the bottom.
Lee Majors 78 gave him the 6pts & up to 2nd, 3pts behind Boycie whose 79 gave him 5pts.
Stroller got a walkover against Hans Christian Sore Thumb Connett to join Warbies Thick Sliced in the Quarter Finals
Penfold also had a walkover after Mr I can’t be arsed letting anybody know Anorexic didn’t turn up, Penfold joins Sandbasher in the Quarters
BetTrev & Bulb already through
Brains beat Boycie 2 & 1 to go through with Mr Etiquette who had a walkover against Arkwright.
Warbies Thick Sliced v Penfold
Sandbasher v Stroller
BetTrev v Mr Etiquette
Brains v Bulb
9th – 12th
Hans Christian Connett v Camel Cheeks
Guru v Boycie
13th – 16th
Sam Dingle v Mr Anorexic
Lee Majors v Arkwright
On to Houghwood golf club, for our 3rd major of the season, this one was sponsored by, “Mr Trevor Orrell, Esq” A massive thanks to BetTrev for helping fund the days golf. As the day started it was plain to see that there would once again be no shortage of incidents to keep our news letter over flowing. Dingle turned up 1 hour early, (he was on his jollies when we changed the meeting times) The world cup sweep was done by Guru, the bacon barms got ravished by all, (we must look like a swarm of locust at times) and It wasn't long before Hans spotted the Dingle look-a-like..
On to the first tee, everyone had to show their balls to each other, (I really do think this camaraderie thing is going a bit too far these days) and away we went, Capend, I mean Captain Sandbasher went wide right... BetTrev went wide left... and Dingle skimmed the water, through a tree, into a forest. Del Boy spoiled it by going down the middle. The members must have been really impressed with our start. When we got onto the first green, Sandbashers putt looked certain to go in but the ball hung on to the edge of the cup and just refused to drop, it seemed to be straining to hang on, but hang on it did, costing him another point.
The second tee, saw Bulb, Penfold, Hans Christian Connett, and Camel Cheeks. This tee saved our blushes by getting off the tee with no major incidents to report. Although Penfold and the rest of his four ball did spend more time in the long grass, bushes and trees than most horticulturist, looking for balls. This pattern continued throughout the day, even the lads from the tee in front helped with the tracking.
3rd tee away was made up of Mr Anorexic, Brains, Lee Majors, and Arkwright. Mr Anorexic is playing quite well at the moment and thought he stood a good chance with the weather and the greens being so good. It was good to see Arkwright back amongst the fold, Steve had a “go anywhere” buggy but still walked when he could. Brains looked confident and if he got his head in gear, stood a good chance of being in the final 4 ball.
And bringing up the rear, (woOOo, Matron) was Boycie, Stroller, Mr Etiquette, and Guru. The Golfing Guru didn't disappoint us as he approached the tee, dressed for the occasion, (I still cant work out if he has a wardrobe or a chuffin dressing up box) It always looks like the Circus has come to town on a major with Guru. Then he gave us a real treat with his drive, that went righter than right, in fact his drive went off to the right, over the practice area, over the 3rd fairway into the far rough. Boycies drive went straight into the hazard on the left, but Stroller and Mr Etiquette were as steady as normal hitting straight drives down the middle with 3 woods.
Sandbasher and Dingle shared a buggy, (who in their right mind would put them two together) on their way back to the club house, items could be seen showering out of their buggy as each one threw the others hats, balls, fags, lighter, score cards, etc. from their buggy, as one got out to retrieve it, the other drove off leaving them to chase after the buggy.. (they are like two giggling children)
The course was in great condition, and the greens were true, this all added up to good golf being rewarded with good scores. And as the scores came in after nine holes, it was clear that the course had rewarded good putting and approach play. 14 points being the most popular score, A great 20 points by Mr Anorexic was the highest and Dingle was lowest with 11 points.
During lunch Hans was his usually jovial self cracking funny one liners that had Sandbasher nearly choking. Hans got all spooked out when the waitress asked if there was anybody there, placing a plate in an empty spot, he thought she was holding a chuffin séance.
The afternoon tees were sorted, and first out was Mr Etiquette, Hans, Dingle and Brains. These were the duck eggs of the day all had scored really bad in the morning, this fact was not hidden on the fourth hole where the groundsman was repairing a path on a tractor way off to the left. Dingle was first off the tee, his ball headed straight for the grounds man's head, FORE, went out the cry. Next on the tee was Mr Etequette, his ball went straight for the groundsman's head, FORE, went out the cry. Next was brains, the groundsman paid a bit more attention this time, the poor bloke thought it was chuffin hail stoning. Brains fired his ball straight for the grounds man's chuffin head, FORE AGAIN, went out the cry.
Brains was not up to his normal steady self, his putting was not feeling right, and on the 5th hole in the afternoons session his tee shot screwed sideways over the 4th green and bounced onto the car park.. It looked like he was going for the poor tractor driver again. But instead it just landed on a parked cars windscreen
Brains ball on a windscreen in the car park, I hope this driver was in a forgiving mood
In the second group away in the afternoon was Penfold, Sandbasher, Bulb and Lee Majors, the same pattern continued with everyone helping Penfold find his balls in the bushes etc. and this lead to Sandbasher and Bulb diving for cover in their buggy when Lee sent a ball whizzing towards them, hitting its side of their buggy which then ricocheted into the fairway.
The third group saw some of the favourites for the trophy along with a few surprise faces. Arkwright, Stroller, Boycie, and Camel Cheeks, all set off with a chance of glory looking to make a push forward with a strong afternoon.
The last group saw Mr Anorexic, Guru, BetTrev and Dell Boy all with glory in their sights. Anorexic had the advantage but was being pushed all the way by Guru, which one would cope best in the heat? BetTrev also made a great effort but couldn't quite catch the front runners to retain the trophy and Dell Boy was also playing really well.
The duck eggs group, started a mini competition as no-one wanted to be last, this lead to some good golf and good scores, all 4 finished with over 41 points. Mr Etiquettes head went near the end and he put himself under pressure, so much so that he started attacking the sand when his ball went into the bunker on the final hole, and after at least 4 shots, his ball was still in there, It looked like he was digging for oil right in front of the club house, (the locals must have wondered what was going on) It looked like he was having a chuffin epileptic fit ! He then picked his ball out of what was left of the sand, put the ball in his pocket, and stamped off leaving Sandbasher with no lift home.
As the afternoon scores came rolling in, it was plain to see that things were going to be tight at the bottom, with people feeling safe from the wooden spoon with a score of more than 40 points, but the duck eggs had all scored over 41 so the interest became intense. Who was going home with the wooden spoon?
The news that Mr Etiquette had gone home soon filtered through to everyone as they came into the changing rooms, but we had not seen the mood he stamped off in, or the way he couldn't get his ball out of the bunker, so we all missed a real treat.
(So we will NOT be mentioning this any more )
Mr Etiquette tosses his dummy from the pram, grabs his keys and heads for his car.
Dinner was served, Dingle placed his jacket on an empty chair and claimed that was Mr Etiquettes place, (who had gone home). When the waitress came Dingle said, “Put his tea there, he's gone for a fag”. As soon as she had gone, Sandbasher and Dingle shared the plate out, only to be caught by the waitress, then while she was there, the great chicken fight began, with Sandbasher and Dingle fighting for the piece of chicken like two big kids, Dingle cut it in half, Sandbasher dived in with both hands and grabbed both pieces to claim victory. Etiquette Mr Captain, Etiquette.. (oh yes he'd gone home). Sandbasher sat there with gravy dripping from his scorched fingers, with 2 chicken pieces on his plate and a big smile on his face.
Who won what, who came where & who got the beard?
Who didn’t reach the flat dicks tee?
First place Guru.
2nd Place Mr Anorexic
The Golfing Guru took home the Presidents Shield after scoring a superb 56pts (18 & 38) Runner Up spot for Mr Anorexic who is playing really well at the moment (when he can be arsed turning up that is) 54 pts in all (20 & 34) just falling short
3rd place for defending champ BetTrev with 50pts (18 & 32) 4th sneaking into the prizes on account of a better 18 in the afternoon Came Cheeks 49pts (17 & 32) just edging out Del Boy 49pts (18 & 31) up to the giddy heights of 6th for Sam Dingle who had 46pts (11 & 35) in 7th Hans Christian Connett also on 46pts (12 & 34), next was Sandbasher on 45pts (14 & 31), Boycie on 43pts (16 & 27), Penfold 42pts (14 & 28) Brains 42pts (14 & 28) Lee Majors 42pts (14 & 28) now we delve into those that thought the beard was theirs, with 41pts (12 & 29 ) Mr Etiquette thought it was his & sped off down the east lancs road, Bulb on 40pts (13 & 27) thought it was his but stayed anyway, Stroller definitely thought it was his 33pts (14 & 19) but no, the 10 back 9 pts saved him as our beard winner 33pts (15 & 18) only got 6pts on the back 9 failing to score on the last 5 holes
Who was it?
And last place.... ITS.... Arkwright
As the dust settled from the mass exodus of our members from the bar, (I thought the chuffin bar was on fire the way we exited) 2 lonely figures remained watching Holland and Spain in the world cup. Holland went 3 – 1 up with less than 20 mins remaining, and sandbasher turned to his Dingle and said, “I can see Spain making a comeback here”.. WHAT...WHAT... never since Bet Trev said “kick it,” have I ever heard as much football bollox in all my days.
The lucky 7 update went out via text, the text read. Roy Finchy had a chance of winning even though he's no longer on our planet with us, So thick sliced wanted to know where he was then. WHAT.. WHAT.. THICK SLICED... I can see now that the word “sliced” was a word too many
Handicap Changes after Houghwood
Mr Anorexic 2 under in the morning loses 0.4 still playing off 10 (9.5)
Del Boy 1 under in the morning loses 0.3 now playing off 14
Golfing Guru 1 under in the morning, 2 under in the afternoon loses 0.6 now playing off 11
Sam Dingle 2 under in the afternoon loses 0.6 still playing off 19 (18.8)
Ooopps, another one of Micks toys.
On to Hart Common, and the 6th league match of the season, it’s also Quarter Finals of the match play, 16 of us attended what could be one of the most important matches of the summer. This game could have a great bearing on the league, with it being the home course for some of our members. The sun was shining and a great day was on the cards.
In the first tee was Captain Sandbasher, Camel cheeks, (who had both come dressed in identical clothing, like 2 gays at a bumming fest) along with 2 guests Andy Mc Vicar and Jimmy Pedro Shaw. Captain Sandbasher looked quite startled when he was on the first tee when a snail and tortoise went dashing past him, but he managed to get us safely on our way. Jimmy nearly had a hole in one on the 2nd hole, his tee shot lipping out of the hole to finish 2 feet away, he has booked a putting lesson with Sam Dingle after walking off the green with a 4!!! On the fourth hole a shout of “FORE!” was heard, “INCOMING!!” went out as a
a second warning, Jimmy turned his back, crouched down and took a ball right on the ring piece, (Its usually Camel Chops who as balls banging on his arse) “are you alright Jimmy ?” someone asked, “Yes, he said, ”I'm just glad it didn't plug !”
The second tee had 4 Quarter Finalists, Bulb was up against Brains, with Bet Trev playing Mr Etiquette. Mr Etiquette was still being taunted due to him stamping off at Houghwood, even though we have not mentioned it on here, (much) BetTrev was on his own course and was favourite to be in the top few, Brains was in shorts, (his legs are enough to put anyone off their game) and Bulb looked focused and was due a good game.. Basically Bulb & BetTrev both battered their respective opponents, Brains was nett level par after 9 but found himself 5 down after Bulb shot 37 gross, eventually losing 6 & 4, Mr Etiquette was also 5 down after 9 though he was nowhere near nett level after having 51 shots but BetTrev (38 gross) was playing well, BetTrev eventually winning 7 & 6
Then came Golfing Guru, Boycie, Penfold and Thick sliced. On the first tee, Guru went into great detail about every weird turd he had ever gone out of his way to see. Thick sliced was back from a 250 mile walk, Boycie had just been giving a putting lesson to Dingle, (That's a bit like a fart in a gale, Its just makes no difference) Guru could be seen marching the wrong way up the 3rd hole ? He was shouting something and shaking his head, (he needs to give his head a shake) he had played the wrong ball.. What a cock.. So he marched all the way back from the green holding everyone up, 10 out of 10 for fair play and honesty, but the man's slow enough without dropping bollox like that. Warbies Thick Sliced & Penfold were having a close game in their Quarter Final, until the 8th hole which Thick Sliced won with an 8 after Penfold donated £1-50 to the splash pot on his way to a TEN, Thick Sliced was 1up after 9 but then won 4 of the next 5 holes to win 5 & 4
The final tee was Mr Anorexic, Sam Dingle, Lee Majors and King Chunner the final guest. Anorexic and Dingle were in a match, with Anorexic playing quite well at the moment, he was quickly into a 3 hole lead and Dingle was defeated before he even got warmed up. On the 5th hole Dingle hit his ball near the water, and the ducks ran over to it quacking and pecking it thinking it was bread, then one of them kicked the chuffin ball nearer the water, he thought it was going to roll in.. Chunner was playing really well, on the 11th hole he decided to check the wind direction, so he grabbed a handful of grass, tossed it up in the air, it promptly blew straight into Dingles face. Dingle was spitting grass for the next 3 holes.. Lee was playing his normal steady game sharing a buggy with Anorexic, Dingle had one of his bright ideas by putting a bottle of water in the freezer the night before, but it did NOT thaw and he went around unable to get a drink all day. (What a penis)
Ooppss, another one of Micks toys
The weather was warm and back in the club house, Sandbashers bar card took a severe beating as the beer flowed freely (well for everyone apart from Basher, it cost him a fortune) the cards were checked. The final positions were listed.
A big well done to Bulb winning with a superb nett 67
And also to Runner Up Bet Trev with a superb nett 68
Sorry for the lack of photo’s of the winner & runner up, numbnuts (below) forgot to send them
Who got the wig & neckwear? Who thinks he shouldn’t be off 19? Who had 59 on the back 9?
Sam Dingle with the wig & horseshoe at the bar after a horrific nett 90!!
Who had most shots on a hole?
Who had TEN on the409yd Par 4 6th
Who had TEN on the 448yd Par 4 18th
With only 5pts separating the top 6 in Division 1 & only 6pts between the bottom 5, would Mr Etiquette who is 5pts from the top & 6pts from the bottom be in title contention or a relegation battle after round 6, would the holidaying Stroller be left adrift at the bottom, would Sam Dingle’s hour on the driving range & putting lesson off Boycie pay off & get him out of trouble, would the mini league have more than 2 contestants?
6pts for Bulb after a superb 67 takes him up to 3rd in the table just 3pts behind BetTrev who stays at the top after a fine 68 got him 5pts, Sandbasher moves up to 2nd level par netting him 4pts, Brains drops down to 5th but only 5pts from the top after a 1over par 73, Mr Etiquette gets 2pts for a 77 but stays in 6th place, now the 1 pointers The Golfing Guru drops down to 4th after an 85, Penfold’s 86 opens a 3pt gap from the bottom 2, Camel Cheeks 88 still leaves him in trouble, while all that pre match practice leaves Sam Dingle only 1pt above the bottom 2 after his horrific wig wearing 90
6pts for Warbies Thick Sliced stays in 3rd place but cuts the gap to 2nd to 2pts after a 75, 5pts for Mr Anorexic a 76 leaves him in 4th place but only 3pts from 2nd spot, Boycie’s 78 extends his lead at the top to 4pts from Lee Majors in 2nd who had an 87
Match Play Results
Warbies Thick Sliced beat Penfold 5 & 4
Bulb beat Brains 6 & 4
BetTrev beat Mr Etiquette 7 & 6
9th – 12th
Boycie beat Guru 4 & 2
13th – 16th
Mr Anorexic beat Sam Dingle 6 & 5
Handicap changes after Hart Common
Bulb 5 under par loses 1.2 now playing off 12
BetTrev 4 under par loses 0.8 now playing off 10
Big hitting BetTrev fails to reach the flat dicks tee at Houghwood
In next month.s packed issue, a “Numb Nut & Etiquette” section... Will Sandbasher get more ink in his printer.... Will the Mystery writer print any copies... Will anybody read this or give a fook anyway... Will the gardeners have anything left to drink..
Reports from Turton & Altrincham
Report from The Red Bridge Trophy at North Manchester
oooops some more of micks toys
Last edited: 24/07/2014